is home really where you make it?

i'm not moving afterall. turns out the reasons i was moving were not for me. i was going to move into a sweet guesthouse not too far from my apt in AZ. one of our clients owns it and things were set for me to move in at the end of april. end of january, she told me she lost her job and may need to sell the house and i should look for alternative living arrangements. i took it as a sign to move back to CA (the guesthouse is available again so i think i'll stay since that was why i was gonna move in the 1st place). i was moving home to be with family. ok. my mom is remarried and all happy as shit and they have their life and routine and work. my dad works odd hours and plenty of 'em. i'm a grown ass woman. i love my parents but i've never had the kinda relationship where we spend an odd amount of time together or we're joined at the hip. i'm ok not spending every moment with them. my brother is in the navy and lives in san diego. sometimes. he is always gone training or working or doing god knows what. i wouldn't really see him either. i was moving home to be with friends. ok. they're married, have kids, work 2 jobs and go to school and have their own lives routines and work. i can't expect to just move home and magically have a place in theird lives and have things go back to the way they were 5 years ago. i was moving home to be with tyler. ok. he hasn't exactly been doing anything that makes me want to be with him. no christmas present. no valentine's day present (it's a hallmark holiday. i get it. but when you've only been together for 3 months, put in some fucking effort.). your phone "dies because you forgot to charge it" a lot. or let's take today for example. yesterday you said you had to work 6am-6pm (not sure i entirely believe that but whatever). i sent you a text last night saying i had to be up early (like 5:30 early) to get to work by 7am. i sent you a good morning text at 5:45 this morning. nothing. no reply. no phone call. nothing. so i get a phone call around 11:30 on your lunch break. talked for a few minutes. told you i'd be home around 3 and to call me anytime. it is almost 11pm and no word since lunch. really? what happened? did you pass out as soon as you got home from work? i. don't. believe. you. i realized i was moving home to be with tyler more than i was aware of. and more than i let on to other people. i don't trust him enough to do that. i don't have enough faith to do that. i have been living by myself for 2 years. i have been taking care of myself for 2 years. i have no one else to do it or rely on but me. my parents raised me to be independent. in HS, i was the girl that sat in the back of the classroom and read my own books instead of the assigned bullshit. most of my lunches were eaten alone. on days i even ate lunch. can someone be too independent?? be better off alone than in a relationship? "happiness is only real when shared" is a quote i have always liked. i am so used to being alone i think i have forgotten how to function in a relationship. not to mention the issues i have and faith i have lost. i don't even know where this is going. i am too tired and have too much flying through my brain right now. my teeth hurt. i'm going to bed.