shhhh

don't let 'em in. don't get too close. keep them at arms distance. close enough to touch and feel and know they're there, but far enough so it doesn't hurt. i feel like part of me has become hardened. i keep my walls high and conversation short.

*knock knock*

sorry no one is home

shift

i need to get outta here. need a new change of pace. my time here is done. days are numbered. i don't have much keeping me here. i'm scared but excited at the same time. been a long time since i've been there. perhaps there are new experiences, faces, challenges, etc. i'm bored. i need a hallucination....

my rant & confession

the irony is humorous. at best. i smile, no, smirk, at the thought. thank you, women's health and similar "beauty magazines." thank you for fueling the fire of countless eating disorders. the fire of hunger pains of starvation. the fire of being so sad, lonely miserable that only food can fill the emptiness. the fire of control. the fire of hatred. the fire of being out of control. it seems these days, all the magazines are talking about body image acceptance, "big is beautiful," embrace your curves, "happy weight" (whatever the fuck THAT is) and other such pseudo-positivity. the slogan of Women'sHealth is simply "it's good to be you!" in all of these positive image promoting magazines, they have ads for hydroxycut (which i'm guilty of having in my purse right now) and other weight loss methods. not to mention all the cigarette ads when they preach about not smoking. the hypocrisy never ends. it's no wonder almost everyone you know is on some kind of diet (watermelon and green beans is my latest) or dislikes more things about herself than she likes. i have dealt with this longer than i haven't. i'm not trying to point fingers or play the blame game. i just feel magazines like this aren't making it any easier. the models, actresses, singers etc aren't helping. i lost count of how many times i've googled images of kate moss, rail-thin ballerinas, victoria's secret models and other related images over the years. cut out pictures and taped them to my bathroom mirror, makeup mirror, and worse- refrigerator. it just hit me that this rant isn't really going anywhere and i'm not really trying to prove anything. it doesn't have a point, specific flow or an ending. this is just stuff i had charging through my head that needed to get out. i just felt compelled to write this when i read the cover.

and if you'll excuse me, i need to get back to my issue of WH.

keep counting

a talk with a good friend of mine today made me realize that i am far from healed. seems like no matter how long i've been walking down this road (alone, mainly), it never seems to come to an end. it's been with me so long now, i don't know if i remember my life without it. nothing will ever be good enough

runaway

i need a vacation. i have been working 2 jobs since early october. i'm lucky if i get 1 day off a week. while it is a good thing because working 2 jobs allows me to live by myself and gain a sense of independence, it is also exhausting. i would love to take 3 or 4 days off and go somewhere by myself and do whatever i want. explore where ever i want. eat whatever, where ever and whenever i want. or not. just lay by the pool or on the beach for as long as i want and not worry about what someone else wants to do.

i'm going to CA for my birthday in may. i will be gone for several days. while nothing beats going home to see family and some of the best friends a girl could ask for, it is never a vacation. there are always so many people to see and places to go, i am moving non-stop.

i am not sure exactly when this solo vacation will take place, but i know where i wanna go. san luis obispo, CA. i went once many (many many) moons ago and i remember really liking it. i was reading a Destinations Weddings magazine at work today (i was bored and it was the only magazine i haven't read yet) and that was one of the destinations. my mind was made up right then and there.

"i'm so terrified of me. i'm here all the time. i won't go away"