is home really where you make it?

i'm not moving afterall. turns out the reasons i was moving were not for me. i was going to move into a sweet guesthouse not too far from my apt in AZ. one of our clients owns it and things were set for me to move in at the end of april. end of january, she told me she lost her job and may need to sell the house and i should look for alternative living arrangements. i took it as a sign to move back to CA (the guesthouse is available again so i think i'll stay since that was why i was gonna move in the 1st place). i was moving home to be with family. ok. my mom is remarried and all happy as shit and they have their life and routine and work. my dad works odd hours and plenty of 'em. i'm a grown ass woman. i love my parents but i've never had the kinda relationship where we spend an odd amount of time together or we're joined at the hip. i'm ok not spending every moment with them. my brother is in the navy and lives in san diego. sometimes. he is always gone training or working or doing god knows what. i wouldn't really see him either. i was moving home to be with friends. ok. they're married, have kids, work 2 jobs and go to school and have their own lives routines and work. i can't expect to just move home and magically have a place in theird lives and have things go back to the way they were 5 years ago. i was moving home to be with tyler. ok. he hasn't exactly been doing anything that makes me want to be with him. no christmas present. no valentine's day present (it's a hallmark holiday. i get it. but when you've only been together for 3 months, put in some fucking effort.). your phone "dies because you forgot to charge it" a lot. or let's take today for example. yesterday you said you had to work 6am-6pm (not sure i entirely believe that but whatever). i sent you a text last night saying i had to be up early (like 5:30 early) to get to work by 7am. i sent you a good morning text at 5:45 this morning. nothing. no reply. no phone call. nothing. so i get a phone call around 11:30 on your lunch break. talked for a few minutes. told you i'd be home around 3 and to call me anytime. it is almost 11pm and no word since lunch. really? what happened? did you pass out as soon as you got home from work? i. don't. believe. you. i realized i was moving home to be with tyler more than i was aware of. and more than i let on to other people. i don't trust him enough to do that. i don't have enough faith to do that. i have been living by myself for 2 years. i have been taking care of myself for 2 years. i have no one else to do it or rely on but me. my parents raised me to be independent. in HS, i was the girl that sat in the back of the classroom and read my own books instead of the assigned bullshit. most of my lunches were eaten alone. on days i even ate lunch. can someone be too independent?? be better off alone than in a relationship? "happiness is only real when shared" is a quote i have always liked. i am so used to being alone i think i have forgotten how to function in a relationship. not to mention the issues i have and faith i have lost. i don't even know where this is going. i am too tired and have too much flying through my brain right now. my teeth hurt. i'm going to bed.

challenge done

day 30: picture of yourself now and 5 good things that have happened since you started the challenge

this picture was taken at casey moore's irish bar this past saturday. i was there with some great friends and had a really good time. here are 5 good things that have happened to me since march 1st:

1. i got my review at express. nailed it with flying colors. manager told me i had one of the top scores out of everyone that had their review. got a raise. not much but every little bit helps.

2. i bought a gorgeous pair of red heels. i haven't been shopping for a long time and felt that i was due so i treated myself.

3. i got to go to a few concerts. street dog (i also saw some great bands i have never heard of), flogging molly for st. patrick's day and chris carrabba from dashboard confessional.

4. march was full of amazing weather. sunshine for days! i love spring in the desert. couple cold moments but sunny for the most part.

5. my skin is finally clearing up

day 29: 3 wishes

1. i'd like to be able to teleport. would save $$$ on gas. would save time. i would be less aggitated because i wouldn't deal with stupid drivers. i could travel wherever i wanted. whenever i wanted.

2. a magic wand that would clean for me. kinda like the fairy godmothers have in sleeping beauty. that would be so sweet.

3. a new cable company. one that lets you choose what tv stations you want and pay for them a la cart. i would probably watch tv again. i may be on to something here....

day 27

picture of the city i live in: i currently live in tempe, az. it is a college town. people ride their bicycles everywhere. i'm close to everything. freeways, work, mill ave (fun bars, shopping etc), old town scottsdale (more nightlife, restaurants and other related fun stuff). not as pretentious and expensive as scottsdale, but it's still nice. i've lived here for 2 years now. while i'm over the specific apartment i live in, i like living in tempe.

more challenge babble

day 5 revisited: song that matches your mood the places you have come to fear the most by dashboard confessional. yes, dashboard confessional. i have no shame. it's a great song that i closely relate to. i went to a chris carrabba (the lead singer) a few days ago. he sang this song. just him and a guitar. i was holding back tears. true story.

day 25: first 10 songs when you shuffle up your ipod
1. a.f.i.- the art of drowning (YES!!)
2. mazzy star- unreflected
3. the everly brothers- let it be me
4. tori amos- the fire to your plain
5. smashing pumpkins- galapogos
6. mighty mighty bosstones- we should talk
7. a.f.i.- dream of waking
8. tori amos- little earthquakes
9. stray cats- sexy + 17
10. a.f.i.- girls not grey

day 26: your dream wedding hmmmm this is up for debate. i am not sure if i'll ever get married again. i'm not entirely opposed to it, but i am not so optimistic it will ever happen. i'd be fine getting all dressed up and running off to vegas. i will say that my dress will be completely untraditional. no white for me. it would be like i'm lying haha probably some pretty vintage dress with red or leopard heels.

day 24

something i've learned: i have learned a lot of things in my time. some big important and profound, others are small not as important but still have taught me something.

*nothing in life is permanent or guaranteed to last or happen. death and tattoos are the only certainties. don't put all your eggs in one basket. the job you were counting on, the love you were living on, and the life you thought you had all planned out could fall apart at any minute. plan for these things, but hope they don't happen.

*i can cook pretty much anything. give me a recipe. i'll show you.

*i cannot mix my alcohol. this i had to learn the hard way, but i'm glad i know i can only drink 1 type of alcohol. saved me from future nights of regret.

*regret. i've learned to live my life without it. "what if's" sometimes plague me, but with the exception of 1 thing, i do a good job of not regretting much in my life.

*i have learned to be very self-sufficient. i can take care of myself when i get sick. i can carry in 14 bags of groceries in 1 trip. i can put air in my tires to the correct PSI. i can support myself financially. i enjoy my own company. 80% of the last 2 years has been spent by myself. i like myself and i'm happy being by myself. this is going to change shortly and i am a bit nervous about living with other people.

*i have learned that music is my therapy. it is my go-to when i'm happy, sad, tired, angry or just want to relax.

*i have learned that people don't live forever. be thankful for the ones you have in your life. make sure you tell them any chance you get that you love them and what they mean to you.

more challenge stuff

day 20: what's your nickname i have 2 at express. kitty cat because of my never ending wardrobe of animal print and sleazeball (when i spell checked just now, sleazeball was correct. weird) because i tend to talk like a guy. princess is my nickname in the salon because i hate cleaning. i really don't want to get on my hands and knees and clean behind things. pay me more. i have a fascination with names that rhyme and i somehow came up with sunshine frankenstein, but i don't think nicknames count if you give them to yourself.

day 21: favorite picture of yourself umm not feelin it right now.

day 22: what's in your purse tic tacs, lots of lipgloss, chapstick and perfume, hand lotion, BC, wallet, nail clippers, nail file, mirror, ibuprofen, sunglasses, receipts, a small notebook to write in when the urge strikes, pens (mainly stolen from bars and restaurants) and i think that's it.

day 23: favorite movie i already answered this on day 7

day whatever pt II

day 17: something i'm looking forward to moving home. i miss the beach, my family, my friends, my bf. i picture all these things i want to do in my head. i want to sit in a lifeguard tower and write as the sun sets. i want to go to disneyland. happy hours with friends. spending time with my parents/step-parents. i want to apt hunt for a little place down by the beach. i want to hear the ocean through my bedroom window. i want to start writing again. i want to start taking pictures again. i'm also looking forward to flogging molly on st. patrick's day tomorrow.

day 18: favorite place to eat i love ruby's cafe. i used to eat at one in AZ when i felt homesick , but it closed. i like eating at azteca's in GG. food isn't spectacular, but i like that it is covered in elvis's ghost and plays his music. so nice to go to a mexican restaurant and not have to listen to clown music.

day 19: something you miss i miss a lot of things. i miss a lot of friends i used to have. i miss the days when i wasn't so jaded and cynical. i miss the days when i weighed 115lbs. i miss when my brother and i used to talk all the time. i miss having coffee and reading the paper on sunday mornings in my mom's front yard at her little beach cottage in HB. i miss not having bills haha.

day whatever

i'm pretty sure no one reads this shit on a daily basis (if at all) so i'm going to start lumping them into multiple blogs.

day 13: goals. i guess i never really have a specific set of goals. i would like to really start pursuing my career as a stylist. that will happen when i move home (40 days). i've done a really good job of saving my money. i want to continue to do so. i don't know how long it will be before i get steady work and i always like to be prepared. i hate depending on other people (that trust thing gets in the way sometimes) so i want to know i can do this on my own. another goal i have is to stress less. i feel like this is a constant struggle for me and i tend to freak out more than your average person. i would also like to learn how to be nicer to myself. i have such an easy time focusing on things i dislike and want to change instead of basking in the glow of the positive things about me. i'm sometimes not very nice to myself.

day 14: picture of myself ummm.... not feelin' that one right now. perhaps later.

day 15: favorite bible verse. this makes me laugh. i don't subscribe to the bible, however, i think there are some good lessons or things it tries to teach. "he who is without sin, cast the first stone." i'm guilty of judging people. for a number of things. something else i need to work on. i like that thing people say at weddings about eve being created from adam's rib symbolizing her walking next to him, not above or below him. other than that, bible verses are not for me. gimme a good hendry rollins or tom waits quote any day.

day 16: my dream house i want a modern day 1950's house. my bathroom will be red, black & white. black tile floor with a cherry red claw foot bathtub and a black chandelier hanging above it. red and white accent decorations. perhaps some old pinup pictures hanging on the walls. i want a kitchen with a black & white checkered floor. maybe i'll do mint green. i want 1950's appliances. i'd like my whole house to reflect 1920's art deco through 1960's mod. a little bit of everything. feathers, velvet, leopard print. girly without being sickly sweet. my house will pretty much be like.... me.

day 12

somethings i don't leave the house without: my phone, chapstick, lip gloss, red lipstick, tic tacs, hand lotion, band-aids (i wear painful shoes), mini perfume and wallet. i've tried to down-size but just can't do it.

day 11

favorite tv shows. i don't exactly watch tv these days, but when i do/did i enjoy:
what not to wear. forensic files. COPS. intervention. tosh.0. family guy. i love lucy. the munsters. the soup. pretty much anything on A&E, TLC, discovery channel. my television boycott is 2 years strong now. yay me!

day 10

somethings i'm afraid of: spiders. clowns. driving next to semi-trucks (ironic name, really) on the fwy. having children. making the wrong decision. not being successful. losing my parents (inevitable, i know. still makes me uneasy).

day 9

this is an old picture of me and 2 of my best friends, leah and michelle. i've been friends with michelle for almost 8 years and leah for almost 7. they are both like the sisters i never had. i cannot imagine my life without these 2. we've gone through lots of good and bad times together. life has a funny way of getting in the way of things so when we go a long time without talking or seeing each other, the minute we do, we pick right up where we left off. i love them immensely.

day 8- a place i've traveled to

july 2001, i went on a trip to boston. my brother used to do archery when he was younger. he went on tournaments all over the counrty. this particular one was in boston. my dad was going, along with derrek's archery coach and some other guys that derrek trained with. i jokingly said "ya know, i've alway wanted to go to boston...." so my dad bought an extra plane ticket and invited my great-uncle johnny as well. so we all went to boston.

we stayed in middleboro, a small town about 40 miles south of boston. took the train into the city, a completely new concept for me. only train i remember being on at that point was the one that takes you around disneyland. had to get up reeeeally early to get ready and on the train to be where we needed to be on time. i discovered coffee in boston. so we finally get into town and i was amazed by everything i saw. the people, the buildings, the trees parks and flowers, the history, the culture and so on. when we weren't at derrek's tournaments, we were busy getting lost in boston. i soaked it all in. we went to paul revere's house, house of the seven gables and other touristy stuff. one thing's for sure, boston is haunted as shit! there were several building, stairwells, rooms etc i refused to go in. i'd get that feeling in my chest and i knew that my tour ended there. one of the days, my uncle johnny and i went off just the two of us and roamed the streets of boston. we went to a hole-in-the-wall family owned italian restaurant for lunch. i had the best red wine and pesto pasta. took us an hour to eat. sunlight poured in through our window and made it hard to want to leave. even though i was only 17, they thought nothing of me ordering wine at 11am. uncle johnny and i had some fantastic conversation and i loved his company. another day we were there, we all took a trip to salem and went ot the salem witch trials museum and did other witch-related things. i have never been so passionate about somewhere i've visited as i am with boston. if it didn't snow, i would have moved there years ago. i need to go back. soon.

epiphany

when i was 18, i thought i had life all figured out. knew who i wanted to be with, what i wanted to do and knew where i wanted my picket fence built. then i turned 21. looked back at my 18 year old self and laughed. there was no way i knew anything back then! so i fell in love, turned 22 and got married, divorced and moved to 2 different states all within less than 2 years then moved another 8 or 9 times. then i turned 26. looked back at my life and thought "there's no way i knew what i was doing back then!"

nearly everyone i talk to always says "i look at my life every 4 or 5 years and think 'back then i had no clue as to what i wanted or what i thought life was all about.' "

so i've come to the conclusion that no one ever has it all figured out. it's like the blind leading the blind. we're all just kinda searching our way through the dark in hopes of finding meaning, truth, knowledge, enlightenment, happiness, peace, success.

in 4 or 5 years, i'm sure i'll look back and laugh at myself for thinking i had it all figured out. or i'll laugh nostalgically at the things i worried about, knowing then that it was nothing i couldn't get through. any time i stress or worry about things, they always turn out better than i thought. so i should take a breath and stop worrying. stop standing in front of trains like i can stop them. maybe things will be better in 4 or 5 years....

day 7

favorite movies.



fight club. american beauty. walk the line. the hangover. the shining. chicago. slc punk. true romance. some like it hot. a bronx tale. 25th hour. big daddy. just about anything tarantino has his hand in. usual suspects. old school. old disney classics (snow white, alice in wonderland etc). nightmare before christmas. clockwork orange. lucky number slevin. so many more that my brain can't even come up with right now.

day 6

day 6's thing is post a picture of something that makes you happy. pumpkin. she and i have been through a lot together. she has moves 10x in the last 4 1/2 years with me. when i'm sick or crying, she always comes over and lays with me. one time when i lived in utah, we had to keep the cats at our house in mesa. we came to AZ for the weekend and we couldn't find the cats at all. we were there for 4 days. we went out one night and i drank waaaaaay too much. i was throwing up in the hallway bathroom at 4am and i see a little black paw batting under the door so i let her in. she laid right up next to my legs and purred the whole time she was there with me. then i went back to bed and never saw her the rest of the trip. ok, may be i am the crazy cat lady. i can't help it. she's been one of the few consistencies i've had in the last 6 years.

day 5- a song to match my mood

i will have to come back to this one. for once, i don't have any songs to reflect my mood right now. but the day is young.

day 4- my parents

i am very lucky to have awesome parents. i'm close with both of them. they divorced 5 years ago, but growing up i had a great childhood. after the divorce, my relationship with my mom suffered. severely. but after a much needed get-it-all-out-on-the-table cry/yell/question session we mended our ties. i talk to my mom at least 4x a week and my dad only once or twice a week due to his crazy schedule. when i hear about people htat have poor relationships wiht their parents, my heart hurts for htem and it makes me appreciate mine just a little more.

day 3- my first love

zach. we were young, crazy about each other, passionate, insecure and thought we had the world all figured out. the old saying "can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em" was written about us. we were together 2 1/2 years. the first 6 months were great, then i lived through the hardest and most intense 2 years of my life. we fought constantly, but neither of us seemed to want out. the last year or so, the only sex we were having was makeup sex. which is another reason we both stayed as long as we did. have you ever had makeup sex?? my point exactly! finally i had gotten to the point where i had had enough. i couldn't eat because i was so upset all the time. i drank & smoked way too much just to deal with the stress of him. i was tired of crying and fighting and never knowing what our relationship would be like on a day-to-day basis. so i woke up one morning (oct 8th 2002 to be exact) and i literally said to myself "life is too short for me to be this unhappy at only 18. i have to leave." so i did. went to his house after work and broke up with him. i cried all the way home. tears of happiness, relief, sadness, strength.

30 day challenge: day 2

how i came up with my blog name: "OH WHATTA WORLD"

the wizard of oz is one of my favorite movies. the world i live in is kinda crazy. my personal world and the world in general. there are very good and very bad things to both. sometimes i can only sigh and shake my head and say "oh whatta world..."

30 challenge: day 1

15 things about me

1. without meaning to, i now have an extensive collection of sunglasses.

2. when i type, i 99% of the time use lower case letters.

3. i'm obsessed with vintage dresses and jewelry.

4. i need to be better at washing my face every night before i go to bed.

5. i run and do other workouts regardless if it hurts my knee.

6. i am far from being healed.

7. i'm afraid i'll end up the "crazy cat lady."

8. i can't fall asleep without music or a movie.

9. i don't do well with change.

10. i boycotted tanning last march and i wear abnormally high spf. ironically, i LOVE the sun.

11. most of my pictures are taken from the left side.

12. i've had more than several experiences with ghosts, spirits, supernatural (whatever you wanna call 'em, they're there).

13. i'm naturally blonde under all this bleach. because of this, i go out of my way to not fall under the "dumb blonde" stereotype.

14. i have a really bad habit of not speaking up when i'm upset, unhappy or my feelings have been hurt.

15. march 1st marked 10 years since i stopped eating meat.

hey! over here!!

the attention whore is me is screaming. kicking and crying.

i've come to the realization that i am an attention whore. i need to be told how awesome i am and how you can't live without me and how happy/lucky you are to have me in your life. not every day. at least once a week. twice if you're feeling lovey. flirt with me. text me and say things that make me smile. call me when you say you will. make sure your phone is always charged. make me feel important.

perhaps my problem is that I do these things so i expect them from others in return. it is now my fault for expecting anything in the first place. expecting only leads to disappointment so from now on i will coast through our relationship like i don't care what happens.

but trust me on the attention thing. give it to me or goddammit i swear i'll get it somewhere else...