"the time has come to reach a new realization 'tween me & you"

i came to realize something last night. i have been wasting my time for the last 8 months. i have been after knoxville since middle of march. we have gone on 3 whiskey dates and kissed once. the last "date" was mid-june! he has a lot of drama in his life with the ex-wife, kids etc etc. he has always asked me to be patient with him, which i've done an amazing job at. the last month or so, i have felt like i'm the one doing all the work. i'm the one suggesting we hang out and all. he agrees then cancels last minute. a girl can only do so much chasing before it turns into work and the fun is removed from the equation.

i listen to music when i sleep. i must've had an epiphany in my sleep cuz i woke up this morning and thought "i'm done. i'm over this. i'm sick of chasing a guy that doesn't give a shit." i'm missing out on a potentially great thing with someone else because i'm waiting for something that will never happen.

my problem with knox has always been this: when we don't work together (sun-wed) it's easy for me to say "fuck him. he is stupid for passing up a good thing when it's right in front of him. jackass!" (i have the "i hate you" letter i wrote him to prove it) then thursday rolls around and that all goes out the window when he pulls up to the shop. so i need to stick to my guns this time and not let him get to me anymore. sure, we'll still flirt and all, but now it won't hurt. wish me luck...

"When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us."

time bomb

*there is no possible way i could ever refuse you. your eyes pulling me with a constantly questioning glare. your lips always teasing me. it takes every ounce of strength and will power to keep my heart from leaping out of my chest. tears always threatening to spill over. i wish i could sleep away your voice and smile. sleep through the quiet ache. is everything an excuse to try to make my fall as gentle as possible? will a broken heart hurt less if it's dismantled slowly? piece by piece? a tiny time bomb beating in my chest.

*i'm consumed. there is so much i want to say. so much i need to say. will it matter? is this all an act? like a circus spectacle? your audience held captive by your lion-size smile and charisma. i choke on the popcorn and the cotton candy sweetness stings my lips. the line between fantasy and reality has become a blur.

what doesn't kill you only makes you jaded

i am beginning to feel like i have lost faith in men, love and relationships. i know i had faith at one point in my life, and trying to remember the feeling of having it is like trying to remember a fading dream. the harder i try to feel it and remember it, the more it escapes me.

i don't feel much excitement anymore. when i hear love songs, my first and main thought is "yeah fucking right. what a buncha horse shit! those kinds of feelings are made up and don't exist." i am really trying my best to not be so jaded and numb to everything but it's hard sometimes. over the past 9 years i have slowly, brick by brick, built a wall around me. i let my guard rest once in a while, then i'm reminded of why the wall is where it is. so up goes another brick. it's gonna take one hell of a wrecking ball to break through this. gonna take more than Rapunzel dropping down her long hair for anyone to get inside. it's a suffocating feeling though. like the walls have gotten so tall they are beginning to cave in on me.

a beautiful betrayal...

random things about me....

1. i'm mildly OCD. i count stairs as i walk up or down them. even if it's a staircase i've walked hundreds of times, i still count the steps. all my money needs to be facing the same way. right side up w/ the face facing out and biggest bills on the bottom, smallest on the top.

2. i believe in ghosts, spirits, etc. i've had several encounters with them. as me about them sometime. pretty creepy. i fascinated by ghost stories and i love hearing about other peoples' experiences.

3. i often worry i'll be the crazy cat lady when i get older

4. i'm envious of artists. i'm artistically handicapped. i have all these things in my head that i'd love to sketch, draw, paint, etc but i can't seem to transfer it from my head to the paper, canvas, etc.

5. i love music. it's like therapy for me. whether i need it to brighten my day, give me insight, dance, sing, or get me through a good cry, it's always my go-to. i'll like a song even if the music kinda sucks but the lyrics are amazing. i'm a sucker for good lyrics. a good songs give me goosebumps. i've been known to use lyrics as my "status" on spacebook.

6. i have what my aunt refers to as "the guy gene" or "the movie gene." i'm a habitual movie quoter! i can't help it!! i do it every chance i get. if i say something that is extra funny, i'll text a couple people that i know would appreciate it.

7. i've never broken a bone or had stitches.

8. i dream in color. i can only remember 1/2 of my dreams but the ones i can are very
vivid and colorful. like something outta Alice in Wonderland.

9. i put up with too much. i give people too many 2nd chances. i always try to see the good in people even when i know i shouldn't. i have a hard time telling people to fuck off.

10. i don't own a microwave. haven't for a little over a year. the only time i use one is when i'm at work and even then i avoid it like the plague. i love cooking and NOT owning a microwave forces me to cook things.

11. i'm fascinated by serial killers. i love reading articles about them (crimelibrary.com has gotten me through MANY boring days at the office) or watching documentaries on them. i could read and/or watch docs about them all day! i'm actually fascinated by anything that is different from my lifestyle (gay, swingers, etc).

12. i do a pretty good job of living my life without regret. however, there is only 1 event in my life that i often look back and think "what would've happened if... where would i be now if i didn't do what i did?" i can't go back and change it, but i've always said if i could change 1 thing about my past, that would be it. but then again everything is a domino effect. certain things wouldn't have happened and i never would've met certain people had i not made the choices i did.

13. when i was in pre-school i wanted to be a cowgirl. i remember having a purple lunchbox w/ a picture of a cowgirl riding in the sunset on it. came w/ a matching thermos. then i went to the park to ride horses for a b-day party and realized that horses are messy and smell like shit and quickly abandoned that dream. i also grew up on The Wizard of Oz, Annie and other musicals. i wanted to sing in Broadway musicals when i grew up. when i watch movies like Chicago or whatever i still wish i had pursued that one.

14. i don't give myself enough credit. for lots of things. it's one of the biggest struggles i have with myself on a daily basis.

15. i'm scared to death of having children.

16. i love people watching. i do it everywhere i go. driving around, at the mall, at a bar, at the gym, at work, at a book store, restaurants, airports, etc. EVERYWHERE!!

17. i don't subscribe to religion. most of it makes no sense. i do, however, takes bits and pieces from different religions. example- "he who is without sin, throw the first stone." i try my best not to judge people for what they do and accept people for who they are. i'm sure i've done whatever it is i'm judging them for anyway. another is from a religion that does not believe in souls, spirits, afterlife, heaven or hell. they believe this is it. you only have one life. make the most of it. as long as everything is consensual and what you do does not have a negative impact on your life or other peoples', knock yourself out.

18. i've never had a flu shot a day in my life. coincidentally, i've never had the flu.

19. pretty much the only jewelry i wear i got from my grandma. beautiful vintage pieces, some are from the 40's. she passed away almost 2 years ago. it's my way of keeping her with me.

20. i'm a hopeless romantic.

21. i love reading. i boycotted cable when i moved into my apt so now i either read books or watch movies when i'm home.

22. i'm slowly becoming my own best friend. and i'm really liking it!!!

23. i always make sure to tell those closest to me how much they mean to me and never get off the phone without saying i love you.

24. i crack my knuckles, back and neck all the time.

25. i live in the wrong decade. i belong back in the 50's.

26. i'm very impatient. i have a hard time keeping my temper under control when i
drive.

27. i make lame jokes all the time. i like to think that i'm pretty funny. i can come up with some great one-liners out of nowhere.

28. i had a great childhood. i have a fabulous relationship with my parents. they split up 3 years ago. i'm extremely close with both of them. i can't imagine my life without them and knowing that they won't be around forever terrifies me.

29. i wish i paid more attention in my HS history classes.

30. September 11th is my moment in history that i'll always remember like it happened yesterday. like some people can tell you exactly what they were doing, where they were, etc when kennedy was shot or elvis died. i can replay that morning very clearly.

31. my favorite time of year is early october through early january. i love the way the air feels and smells. fall & winter in the desert is amazing.

32. i love sunsets and sunrises. AZ has some of the most beautiful sunsets i've EVER seen.

33. this line from ferris bueller's day off "Life moves pretty fast. if you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it" is something i need to practice every day.

34. no doubt was the first concert i ever went to. i was 13. i've been in love w/ gwen stefani ever since. i have been told that i look like her when i have my red lipstick and platinum hair. one of the biggest compliments i've ever gotten. makes me giddy on the inside!

35. i want to learn how to swing dance.

"my heart tumbled down a staircase inside of me"

i'm a self-proclaimed nerd at heart. i recently bought a box of magnetic poetry. i was staring at them last night and had all these words flying around in my head. i had to write them down. more to follow as i come up with them....

"whisper dreams of sun light sea music pleasure love"

"dance with my wild old soul"

"searching for peace somewhere between the fever drinking aching sleep & morning"

"spun sugar sweet kisses that only leave you feeling sick and stung like the sugar left broken bits of glass on your lips"

"embrace the delicious fever. hold onto it. laugh at time. defy it"

"they tell you to sit down. stay a while. listen to what i wrote for you. a promise of deception hidden by (disguised by?) a tremendous shining smile"

"the only gift he ever gave me was his charm"

"i wanna fly outta this place. drink by the water under red skies. move slowly silently through the motions"

"there's never a mutual sacredness. her eyes fill with sadness because that's all that's left. close your eyes. listen. what do you hear?"

"protect the picture you have in your mind. play it over & over & over. remember it. don't let it fall through the cracks"

"she bit her lip and gave him all the power of the gods. the goddess had fallen into a cage. she knew it was gonna be a long night"

"curl away from the boy that is never there, living, loving, dreaming, wild, interacting, sharing, welcoming, introducing. the fall will be soft. you'll wake in the morning knowing nothing is lost. you only thought you were all these things. and i only wanted you to be..."

some thoughts on fate

if you knew how you were
going to die,
would you then be able
to change it?
would you be able to
plan ahead?
if you knew you'd die in a specific
plane ride or
car trip,
could you then just NOT take
that ride flight trip?
can you rebel against
fate?
can you argue with
destiny?
would that be like back-handing
god?

just breathe...

i'm going to CA tomorrow night. i'm flying this time. 1st time i've flown to CA. i usually drive. it's also the 1st time i've flown by myself. just add it to the list of new things i've done on my own. i'm big now. i can handle this.

my brother is in the navy. he is in a section called SWCC (Special Warfare Combatant-Craft Crewman http://www.swcc.navy.mil/swcc/default.aspx ). he is being deployed in like 10 days. i'm freaking out a little more as the days fall off the calendar. his going away party is on sat the 19th. kinda hard to celebrate him leaving. hard to celebrate the fact that my only brother will be living in kenya for who knows how long doing god knows what. (i don't even think god knows. if derrek told him, he'd have to kill him.) what we're celebrating is his strength, courage, perseverance, dedication, etc.

i'm finding it hard to write about D's deployment without crying. i have so many thoughts and feelings about it. i'm thankful that he's not being sent to iraq or afghanistan. i'm scared though. no matter where they send him, it's still nerve-wracking to have your brother deployed during the middle of a war. he's a tough kid. i know he'll be ok. i've prayed to my god. and then some.

please do the same

eat your heart out

i dressed up on purpose. i knew i was going to see you. i know you miss me. i know you still love me. i wanted you to ache as much as i did. hurt as much as i did.

i wanted you to die. as. much. as. i. did.

"and then she whispered 'how could you do this to me?' "

oh my gay

i was reading through courtney's blogs and came across her rant about gay marriage. she and i have the same views on this issue. what started out as a comment on her blog quickly turned into a lengthy blog of my own. thank you, courtney, for the inspiration. this may be a little all over the place. please excuse my foul mouth...

holy fucking christ! i could write about this for a day & 1/2. out of all the "touchy" topics, this one INFURIATES me more than anything. since she referenced christianity in her blog, i'll stick with it for the sake of continuity. christians always make themselves out to be these wonderful accepting & non judgemental people. "we're all children of god." GO FUCK YOURSELVES YOU BIBLE HUMPING ASSHOLES!!!!! you're the reason i can't stand religion. christians are the most judgemental hypocrites out there. and don't even get me STARTED on the "born agains." my ex's aunt (mom's sis) came out after 20 yrs of marriage and 2 kids. this was easily 6 yrs ago. they have disowned her because she "chose to live in sin." (i'll get to that in a minute) WTF!!! that is your blood and you're just gonna pretend she doesn't exist?!?! real fuckin' accepting. i could not imagine not talking to any of my family simply because they're gay. but then again i was raised to be accepting of other people. *wink*

and who gives a shit who marries who anyway! what business is it of yours? if 2 dudes or 2 chicks wanna ruin their lives and get married like the rest of us straight folk, knock yourselves out! it has absolutely no affect on your perfect christian marriage. my boss is "joe catholic" and has no problem with them being together but doesn't think they should be legally married. he always says "give 'em the benefits and rights but they're ruining the fiber of america. what's next? mormons marrying all 13 of their wives? farmers marrying their sheep?" OMG i can't even be in the same room when he goes off about it.

let's look from their side. let's say homosexuality is normal and the "correct" way to live. being heterosexual would be looked down on, disgraceful, disgusting, wrong, unacceptable, *fill in the blank*. how would the christians feel if the tables were turned and they were told that being straight was morally wrong, disgraceful, etc? probably pretty fuckin' pissed. the debate between right and wrong is so ridiculous in itself. just because something is right for one person doesn't mean it applies to the world. another arguement my boss has is that marriage is mainly for procreating. ok. what about the straight couples that want to get married but don't want to have children? should they be banned from marrying too? of course not! there are too many fucking people in the world as it is!!!

gay love is no different from straight love. when 2 people come together and commit themselves to each other and add joy and peace and love to each others' lives (i sound like a total hippie), how could that POSSIBLY be a bad, disgusting, wrong thing? it doesn't matter if you're straight, gay, bi or totally unsure of what you want. a gay couple getting legally married does not affect a straight couples' relationship at all. get over yourselves.

i personally believe that you're born gay, it's not a choice. i went to cosmetology school with some of the gayest guys i've ever met. they were very open about it and answered any questions i had. i asked joey how long he had known he was gay. he said as far back as he can remember. i then asked if he was born gay or if he chose it. he said "i was born gay and got beat up, made fun of and ridiculed all my life simply because i likes guys. why would anyone CHOOSE this life?!" think about it. i'm very much hetero. i love me some men!! women are gorgeous but i have zero sexual desire for them. i'm not even a "just-add-booze" lesbo. men men men!! did i choose that? no sir. i was born straight.

and another thing... let's say homosexuality IS a sin. people that believe that would also believe that we're all children of god and he made all of us. why would he intentionally make someone that is a "sinner." what? to test him/her? to see if they're strong enough to rise above temptation? does that make any sense to you?? please explain this to me. that makes as much sense as saying god tested the faith hijackers of the 9/11 planes. so 5,000 innocent people had to die so a handful of camel jockies can see how strong their faith is ( i actually heard someone say that)? wow that's the god i wanna worship! that's not the way it works!

i think we all need to be a little more accepting of eveyrone else. everyone deserves to be loved and accepted and cared for. i need it. you need it. think of what a happier place the world would be if we put our differences aside.

blank stare

this was written a couple weeks ago in a hazy moment of my life. i just haven't found the time to post it til now...

standing in the kitchen in a blank stare
the sound of the fan drowns out my thoughts
i look around at the dishes in the sink
and think about the ones in the dishwasher
that still need to be put away
i don't want to do it
i don't have the motivation to do dishes
or make the bed or vacuum
silence is all around me
i can feel the loneliness closing in
me
just me
i read some more or make dinner
i'm just going through the motions
feels like i'm trying to run under water
i'm bored i'm restless i'm tired i'm alone
it'll pass like it always does
i keep my fake smiles numbered for just such an occasion

just a good ol' cock fest

holy fucking christ. i just had by far one of the most interesting IM conversations of my life. there's a guy i met back in april . seemed like a nice, normal guy that grew up on a farm in a small town in pennsylvania. farm was complete with chickens, pigs, cows and goats. can't be too odd, right? WRONG!!!!!

so as our time of knowing each other progresses he slowly started asking me about my sexual encounters. i thought this was strange but i don't judge so whatev. he later confesses to me that he is bi and gets off on hearing about guys i have fucked. whether it be recent or way back in my past. ok. still weird but we all have some closet stuff that gets us goin'. closet. no pun intended.

he and i are IMing today an outta nowhere he tells me he got into gay porn recently. not too surprising. he's one of the most gorgeous guys i've ever seen and loves the cock. perfect job for a guy like "john" (i will be using the first name of his porn star name only). i've always been fascinated by things that are different from my normalcy so i start asking him all these questions. like 25 or 30 different things over the course of an hour & 1/2. he said he'll be doing pretty hardcore shit. none of the sissy stuff you see on showtime at midnight. says it pays pretty well. said he prefers men to women but is really picky when it comes to men. said the main reason he moved to AZ was so he could be open about his sexuality (his parents are bible humpers and would probably forget they had a son if they knew. that is terribly sad). offered to let me see a copy of his work when he gets it. then goes so far as to offer me to go down to the studio with him to watch him, as he put it "live in action." i'm beside myself with laughter at this point. THEN he says i can watch him and his boyfriend at his place if i wanted. what do i do? bring popcorn and a jumbo soda, sit back and enjoy the show?? **please no smoking and turn your cell phone off** then he tells me that he told his boyfriend all about me and asked if i wanna meet him. "john" said he's totally cool with meeting me. they have threesomes all the time with men and women. ok... so would i be invited to join in on this cock fest??

then john tells me that i should get into porn because i would make a TON of money looking the way i do. ok, i've always wondered if that is a compliment or not. i've been asked if i'm a stripper in multiple occassions. offended or flattered? i'm on the fence. anyway... i just keep re-reading our IM and laughing my ass off!! it's so surreal. but hey, look on the bright side... if he becomes famous i can always say "yeah i was with john (porn star last name will be withheld) before he was famous." wow. i can't really think of anything else to say!! it was one of the most interesting, random, educational, and mildly arousing conversations i've ever had!!!!

even when she wasn't in the car she was always in the driver's seat

Have you ever showered with someone? yes it was a very dirty shower *raises an eyebrow*

Do you still talk to the person you fell hardest for? i'm trying to avoid him. i wanna do an eternal sunshine of the spotless mind kinda thing

Do you love the last boy you were talking to? not quite love. but i like the hell outta him!

Do you wish you were somewhere else right now? i could think of quite a few places i'd rather be

What were you doing 30 minutes ago? reading Glamour

Where did you last sleep other than your house? colin's

What’s the worst way to say I love you? when you're drunk or when you want something

Where is your mom right now? in her tiny house by the ocean

What are you doing tomorrow? working!!!!

Where is the person who has your heart at the moment? phoenix

What did you do for Valentine's Day? went out for sushi and found out that he was searching for horny housewives lookin for a good time online. fuckin' douche bag

Is there anyone you know that deserves to get punched? see above

Is there somebody in your life that you could not survive without? my mama, my aunt, and some of the best girlfriends a girl could ask for

Were you single on your last birthday? i sure was!!

Who was the last person to cook for you? the guys at jason's deli. i do all the cooking these days

Will you talk to someone on the phone tonight? maybe roxie if she calls me back. i prefer texting

Are you anyone's first love? yes and he was mine too. it was a torrid toxic love affair

When is the next time you will kiss someone? friday :)

Made any new regrets this year? nope. i did pretty good this year. but it's only july...

Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night? yes but went right back to sleep

Think a lot before you fall asleep? yes it's awful!! usually takes me 45-60 min to actually fall asleep

Are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants, or pajama pants? green dress w/ white polka dots

Is there a person of the opposite gender on your mind? oh baby oh baby yes!!!

Who were you last in the car with? roxie

Who was driving the car? she was

Do you miss the way things used to be? sometimes but i like my life now. change is good. things happen for a reason

Is there any meaning behind your profile song? dont have one

What's the one thing that always gets you through the day? lots of things get me through the day

When was the last time you gave your number to someone? 3 weeks ago. i told ryan to give my # to colin so we could set up our blind date

Could you cry right now? i've been fighting the urge all day. ask me again in a couple days...

Are you ticklish? not really

Would you be able to date someone who doesn't make you laugh? no laughing is like foreplay

What's the biggest annoyance in your life right now? money or lack of

How many hours did you sleep last night? like 9 hours! it was amazing

Where did you get your last bruise from? colin's big ass dog

What were you doing at 3am this morning? sleeepin

Are you currently looking forward to anything? a weekend with colin

Who was your last comment from? probably maureen

Would you ever consider piercing your lip? no but i've thought about re-piercing my monroe

Be honest, who texted you last? my dear friend brandi

Do you sleep with the door open or closed? i live in a studio so my bedroom door is my fornt door. you do the math

Did anyone see your last kiss? just hatchet face (colin's dog)

Do you drink tea? green tea and plenty of it

Have you ever kissed someone older than you? lots older

Do you have plans for tomorrow? didn't you already ask me that?? you're not a very good listener

Would you be surprised if your parents had another baby together? hahaha yes!! that would be incredibly weird for many reasons

So, what if you married the last person you texted? i love brandi and all but i don't play for that team

Last person you told a secret to? brandi

Has anyone cried on your shoulder recently? no. i'm usually the one that does all the crying

What are you listening to at the moment? the calming sound of my fan

Where was the last place you fell asleep other than your bed? colin's couch

Do you think anyone has feelings for you? that's an understatement

Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? my mama, my aunty,my girlfriends, and my fur babies

Think back to the last person you kissed, how many times have you laughed with them? lots and many more to come

Is there someone that you believe you will always be attached to? my family

Are relationships ever really worth it? yes. they teach you a lot about yourself

When was the last time you were in a very good mood? today. i'm usually in a good mood every day

Do you like thunderstorms? i love making out during thunderstorms

Do you believe in love? despite things i've seen and gone through, yes.

When was the last time you saw your father? when i was in CA for my b-day back in may

Do you believe in this saying: What goes around comes around? yes. karma is a biatch

When did you last hold hands with someone? 4th of july weekend

Have any memories that you'd like to forget? a couple but for the most part i like all my memories

Is there someone you'd really like to hang out with and just talk about stuff? yes! i wanna get to know more about colin

Do you have any drugs in your room? crack isnt a drug. its a lifestyle. <---crack is whack!

Do you need to say anything to someone? i've said my peace

Remember the first time you kissed the last person you kissed? yes. in the parking lot of good ol' TT. it was tasty and amazing and i wanted more

How are you feeling? fine thanks. a little bored but what else is new...

Do you want someone to call you right now? eh i'm not in the mood for chatting

What do you always take with you? phone, debit card, driver's license, lip gloss, tic tacs

Would you say your an understanding person? i try to be. i can usually see both sides

Would you date someone taller than you? must be 5'11" to ride this ride

If your boyfriend or girlfriend cheated on you, would you take them back? couldn't do it

Your boyfriend/​​girlfriend isn't around but their phone is, do you look through it? nope

What if they went through yours? i have nothing to hide

Do you miss anyone? i miss lots of people

Where is your phone? laying right next to me

Are you excited for anything happening in the next week? going out with and getting to know colin better.

How are you currently feeling? you're a terrible listener

What will you be doing in the next 2 hours? check my email,read my book, eat some raspberry sherbert mmmm

What do you usually do right when you wake up? brush my teeth, pee, weigh myself

Are you smiling in your MySpace default picture? it's more of a smirk

If you drank fifteen beers, & drunk 8 shots liquoir what would you be doing? In the hospital getting my stomach pumped <----amen sistah i'd be dead

Is it hard for you to be yourself in front of the girl/boy you like? i'm totally at ease and myself with him

Is there ever anything you want to do or say, but don't? yes i try to keep my filter in good working order but sometimes i just can't help it!

Do you think you can last in a relationship for six months? if i met the right guy yes. maybe even longer

Who did you talk to on the phone last? my favorite aunty in the world!

Do you know what you are going to wear tomorrow? my favorite jeans and perhaps a yellow top?

If you could move somewhere else, would you? home. but i'm starting to like AZ more and more

Recently kissed anyone with the name starting with a D? nope

Have you kissed the last person you texted? not like make out kissed or anything but i always kiss brandi when i see her

Do you delete people off of MySpace? yes but it's more often blocking creepy douche bags

TodayWhat happened at 10am? i was doing pilates

What is something you currently want right now? a tasty frozen treat. although i wouldn't pass up some hot steamy sweaty heart pounding sex

Are you excited for next year? very much so

How many pillows do you sleep with? i have 4 total but i only use 2 at a time

What is worse, physical or emotional pain? emotional hurts way worse. but that's what whiskey is for. it's the band-aid of the heart

What color is the shirt you are wearing? green with white polka dots (it's a dress)

Honestly, do you hate the last girl you were talking to in person? no!!!! i love the last girl i was talking to in person. my little foxie roxie

When was the last time you received a hug? sunday when i left colin's. i need more hugs in my life

Has someone put their arm around you in the past 5 days? colin had his arm around me and my head was on his shoulder while we watched fireworls on the 4th

Are you the type of person who has a new boyfriend/​​girlfriend every week? no. i may like osmeone right at first but don't make them my BF right away.

What song are you listening to? nuthin'

Do you have any earrings on? no i stopped wearing earrings a while ago

Do you dance? like a champ

What time is it? 7:51pm

Are you a daredevil? an emotional daredevil!

Do you like animals? i love animals

Are you easily bothered? if i'm PMSing and it's a full moon then look out!!!!

Would you rather someone lie to you or tell you the truth? not have something to lie to me about <---- i agree!!!! don't do something you'd have to lie about in the 1st place

How old do you look? about my age. maybe a couple years younger

What are your plans for the weekend? hanging out with colin and cause some trouble

Does playing the guitar make a girl/guy more attractive? not necessarily. although i AM a sucker for acoustic guitar

Do you believe that if you want something bad enough you'll get it? for the most part yes

What did you do today? pilates, checked email, read my new book, floated in the pool, texted a few of my friends and colin, talked to my aunty, took a nap

Would you ever get a tattoo? 14 and counting

Do you know anyone who has gotten an abortion? i think only 1 or 2 people

Do you like to spend time with people? depends on who it is. i'm alone lal the time so i enjoy company

Are you a forgiving person? i forgive but i never forget

Are you talking to anyone while doing this? just my fur babies

What are you about to do? Finish this then read and eat some raspberry sherbert

If you could be a superhero what would you want to do? See Men naked. It would help weed them out easier <---- hahahahahaha i love it!!! i've always wanted to be able to become invisible or be able to teleport

Last movie you watched? rebel without a cause last night

Where was the last place you went besides where you are? my pool enjoying the sunshine

mannequin

you're making a mistake. i hope you're as happy as you're pretending. if she only knew what i know. the texts. the emails. the spontaneous rendevous(s). the letters. things aren't as peachy fucking keen as she thinks they are. i'm not telling you not to do it for my own selfish reasonings. i'm over it. i would never go back. i'm saying it for your and her sake. it's not fair to her. i would wanna know what my perfect fiance was up to if i was her. you said you can't leave her because you have no place to live, because the deposits are non-refundable, because she's going to pay off your credit card debt. bet she'd like to know how she has and is being used. you're a real quality class act. then i hear that you're planning on having kids right away? that's a great idea. way to think THAT one through. you live with her parents, are never home, and can barely afford yourself. i hope you save money for the alimony and child support you'll be paying down the road. i'm sorry for all that i did to you. i regret the pain i caused you. i apologize for tearing you in two directions. i wish you love, luck and peace within yourself.

up a creek without a paddle

i had a dream last night. i was floating through a mildly turbulent river with you in a canoe. you lost both oars and i lost one of mine. i ended up being the one steering the canoe. we kept going around in circles due to the one oar. i woke up with a headache and a sore shoulder. it hit me later that day. this dream tells me everything i already know...

missed connections

have you ever had a missed connection? ever been out somewhere and had a "moment" with a really cute stranger only to later regret not getting their number? or name for that matter.

i've only had this happen to me once. it was 4 years ago. i was about to turn 21. my license was going to expire on my b-day so i mailed the renewal form and check to the DMV. i was going to spend my 21st b-day with my aunt in AZ. having a current license was a pretty big deal. a week before my b-day, the DVM sent my paperwork and check back along with a letter saying "your car registration doesn't expire until oct." this was may.

so anyway... when i first go to the DMV i noticed a very good looking guy across the room. after talking to the soulless woman at the window, i go wait in line to get my picture taken for my new license. low and behold, hot guy is in front of me!!! 6'2" black hair, gigantic arms, tiger army shirt, tattoos, the whole deal. he turns around and started talking to me. all i could think of was how beautiful his eyes were. i could barely move. he was asking why i was there so i told him about the incompetence of the DMV then i said "so what are you in for?" he started talking then just started laughing and said "damn that was a good one!!" we continued to mildly flirt while in line then he got his picture taken and left.

that was it. i never even got his name. he waved at me when i got to my car as he drove out of the parking lot. and out of my life forever...

i STILL think about him

conditional love

everyone always talks about how they want to love and be loved "unconditionally." is that possible? from what i've personally experienced and witnessed in friends' and familys' relationships, i don't think it is.

when we meet someone we automatically try to fit them in the mold we want to put them in. try putting a triangle through a star shaped hole. ain't gonna fit. we have this idea of how people should act, dress, talk, etc. quirky habits start to get on our nerves. but really, that's just who that perosn is. when you accept someone for who they are and love them anyway, things are so much easier.

i know women who have expectations of their man. flowers on a regular basis, fancy dinners, random calls throughout the day "just because," etc. if these men don't provide, they're most certainly sleeping on the couch. isn't it more exciting when your man comes home outta the blue with flowers and says "get dresed up doll, i'm taking you somewhere really nice tonight" ?? personally i would joke with him and say "ok, Mr.! what did you do?!" but for the most part i think that kinda stuff means more when it's a surprise.

another condition in an "unconditional" relationship is comittment. it is expected that your partner should and will be faithful to you, as you will and should be to them. if they stray, it's over because there have been expectations put on the other person. affairs are sadly more common than i feel comfortable with. my boss almost had 2 recently. one emotional, one physical. he has a fabulous wife and 4 gorgeous children with this woman. he'd give his life for all 5 of them without question. yet he fell in love with another woman. he would go home from work, kiss his wife, and play with his kids all the while wanting the other woman to be his wife and his children her's. it was a bad 4 months. but he woke up and realized that he's got it good at home. grass ain't always greener.

we all have a past. i have one. you have one. your significant other has one. the guy walking down the street definitely has one. have you ever had someone give you shit for your past? like it's something you can change! whatever you or the next guy did before we got together is your own thing, as is mine. i actually had a guy give me shit for about 20 minutes of what i had done and who i had been with in my past. it infuriated me. made me sick that he had the audacity to talk to me like that. i basically told him to fuck off and never talk to me like that again.

love and relationships are difficult. all this uncertainty in the beginning and insecurity that may come later on. trust and communication are just 2 of the many things we all need to work on being better at. have some standards but not expectaions that are higher than mnt everest! can't we all just get along...

learn somethin' new every day

i had an interesting conversation with a close friend of mine last night. we went out for dinner and a couple drinks and old shit kinda got brought up. he told me he is over above said old shit and won't get into it but has some insight for me. *rubs hands together* this outta be good.he told me that i'm too much of a wild child and not as "emotionally mature" as a act like or think i am. he said i need to find someone who can give me an equal happy medium amount of freedom and control. i need someone that will tell me NO once in a while, but will also allow me to do my own thing. my inner rebel child does whatever she wants when there are no reins on me. i get bored easily. i need to learn to put all of my focus into the relationship. that much i know. i need the guy i'm with to give me attention. not to say that his world should revolve around me or anything (although it would be kinda nice...) but i do need to know that i'm an important facet of his life. if i had been told NO on several occasions, certain events would've never happened. this was a learning experience for me. i saw the repercussions of my actions. i know in the future i will not be reckless with other peoples' hearts. or my own. i fully regret everything that happened with us but i can't take back what i did (it would be great to have a backspace button for real life). i am thankful that he and i are friends now. he tells me how it is and isn't afraid of hurting my feelings for the sake of being honest. if i wanna know if my ass looks fat in these pants, i'll ask him. my rebel wild child needs to be put in time out every once in a while...

reconnection

back in july '08, maybe early august, i met a guy that i quickly fell hard for. we spent days on the lake and any spare time together. i hung out with his friends and they were always happy to see me whenever we went out. as crazy as it was, we were even gonna elope in vegas! he did work on my aunt's new home at a fabulously discounted $$. things were going very well. then the ol' ex started coming around. she threw a wrench in my gears. he told me that he'd be lying if he said he didn't still have feelings for her. said he wanted to give it another go. they had several years of history. so i let him go (reminds me of that old saying about letting something go and if it comes back to you...). a few days and a bottle of whiskey later, i moved on. of course i thougt about him off and on throughout the last 10 months. i was driving home on tuesday and was thinking about him and one of his BFF's. she and i got along very well. when i got home i had a myspace friend request from her saying that chris was "dying to reconnect" with me but was scared that i hated him. i try not to waste my positive energy hating people. i had his number still so i text him. all it said was "guess who... i don't hate you." he quickly responded and then called me and we were talking for 2 HOURS!!! he said that after he called things off with us he felt like he was making a mistake but had to see what would happen with the ex. just as i predicted, she went right back to being the girl he broke up with in the first place. so he and i are going out to dinner tonight. i'm strangely excited about this.

boys like you are a dime a dozen

WARNING: i'm PMSing really bad right now and just need to bitch.

frustrating. one sided. brick wall. head banging. uncertainty. i'm patient. but not for much longer. i swear if i hadn't asked you out first there would never have been a date. "i can't make it tonight" i've heard it so many times it blurs into nothing. are you just not interested but too nice to say so? are you intimidated? i know i have cards stacked against me. why? cuz i'm a blonde attractive hairstylist with tattoos from CA? oooh i'm terrifying! i'm not like other girls. trust me *wink* you tell me not to read into you not having time for me. you're busy. i get it. between the work and the kids and the psycho ex and the jeep and the crazy roommate and the dog. sometimes there aren't enough hours in a day. same here. i make time. a girl can only ask a guy out so many times before she moves on. fuck i'm stubborn. i hate it. the flirting is there. the attraction is there. the sexual tension is there. the words and smiles are there. you're not. talk is cheap. actions lie louder than words

tough love pasta

so i'm still adjusting to this single life stuff. i think i'm enjoying it more than i thought i would. it's been 2 months as of TODAY. this is the longest i've been single (read: without a serious boyfriend) in 9 YEARS! yes that's right... 9 years. i've talked to my clients about things that are going on in my single life and they almost always say that their single years were the best times of their lives. so apparently i'm in the best years of my life RIGHT NOW. i've been going on dates, having some gut busting amazing wouldn't-trade-'em-for-anything girls' nights, tough love pasta night (i'm due, p.s.), read my book in peace, not done laundry for 2 weeks kind of a time. although i only have my cats' company most of the time (my cat is sleeping on my arm as i type this <3)> really getting used to this. i can come home whenever i want. i can sleep in whenever i want (on my days off). pretty much as long as my fur babies have food, water, and a clean litter box, i'm left to my own devices. i read a blog earlier today written by one of my myspace blogger friends. it really opened my eyes to the dating "scene." people always say "just when you stop looking is when you find someone." if you stop looking, at the end of the day, you're really still looking. so now i take every opportunity to go out. Mr. Wonderful (not that i'm itching to get married next week by ANY means) ain't just gonna knock on my door. so i go out with the girls and just always keep my eye open for someone to catch it. and let's be honest here ladies, women run the court. we decide if you get our number. we decide if we like you or not. we decide if you're lucky enough to take us out let alone be seen in public with us (men... if you wear black socks and flip flops or haulk loogies in our bathrooms, a 2nd date is highly unlikely). we decide if you will be getting any hot make out/lovin sessions. so for me, being single and reading the books that i have read ("act like a lady, think like a man" by steve harvey & "in the meantime" by iyanla vanzant for example) have made me a bit on the picky side. which i've needed for a while now. but my stubborn taurus ass needs to experience things to learn them. i've experienced great guys, assholes, guys that have a few years of growing up to do, guys that are so gorgeous (they don't need me to tell them. they already know) that i had to walk away before i got hurt, and guys that just didn't know what they were doing or where they were going. so, in the meantime, i'm going to live my life. if i don't like what a guy has to sell, i'm not going to do the obligatory buy. like my grandmother used to say, "men are like buses. there will be another one along in 10 minutes."

who took my hot sauce?!?!

since living in AZ, i've had a really hard time making girlfriends. i know i'm the common denominator in the equation, but c'mon. 2 1/2 years and hardly anything. i had a few girls i was hanging out with but they were friends of the (ex)BF. once we broke up, nothing exactly lasted. then there was adena. oh adena. started out great then i got stabbed. i tell ya, look out for them red heads. you do one thing to piss 'em off and you're head fuckin rolls! so anyway... oct '08, i start working in a new salon (same boss just different building). the girl dow the hall catches my eye. we chat between clients and realize we have a great chemistry together. fast forward 4 months. being recently single, i loooooove me some girl's nights out. she and i went out last sat. i'm broke so she said we can go to her friends' house to watch the UFC fight and have some booze and pizza. her preggers friend was our DD so we were both tipsy before we even got there. they were doing air pumped beer bongs (courtney i know you wouldda made me proud!!) and everyone was having a great time. we left the party around 12:45am. did the ritual drunken fast food drive-by. went to jack in the box. our order went something like... 6 breakfast jacks, 4 monster tacos, a jumbo jack w/ bacon, small fry, egg & cheese burrito (that's mine), and a jumbo jack combo meal. and LOTS of hot sauce. holy fucking shit! no one needs $23 worth of JINB!! so after what felt like 15 minutes of waiting we get all of our food and our preggers DD offers the guy at the window a coors light for his trouble (the trouble being dealing with 4 drunken idiots). we finally get back home where we all inhale our food w/out even thinking. roxie, the drunkest of them all, starts talking about bugs and how much she hates them. i said "honey, why are you so hateful towards the bugs??" she says, and i saved it in my phone because i knew i'd forget, "i hate bugs cuz they fly off with my hot sauce packets!" umm... WTF!!! so we pass out sometime around 1:30-1:45am. i'm on a love seat, roxie's friend anna is passed out on the other couch, so rox takes a blanket and pillow and passes out n the floor. we all woke up around 4:30 and roxie says "what the fuck am i doing sleeping on the fucking floor?!?!?!?!?!" i had to explain that she pretty much passed the fuck out right there. she mumbles something and goes back to bed. we wake up at 8am and roxie does this huge stretch and says "i love stretching. it's like the best invention EVER!!!!" this is your brain on whiskey...

i'm baaaack

so i finally got internet last night after almost 2 months without. you never know how much you use it until you have extremely limited access (thanks mo!!) it was almost like giving up heroin (is heroin easier to give up??). i'd wake up in the midle of the night with cold sweats and crack shakes! terrible, really, how reliant we all are on our phones, crackberries, computers, etc. but let's be honest... this really is waaaaay more fun than handwriting certain things to 14 different people...