up a creek without a paddle

i had a dream last night. i was floating through a mildly turbulent river with you in a canoe. you lost both oars and i lost one of mine. i ended up being the one steering the canoe. we kept going around in circles due to the one oar. i woke up with a headache and a sore shoulder. it hit me later that day. this dream tells me everything i already know...

missed connections

have you ever had a missed connection? ever been out somewhere and had a "moment" with a really cute stranger only to later regret not getting their number? or name for that matter.

i've only had this happen to me once. it was 4 years ago. i was about to turn 21. my license was going to expire on my b-day so i mailed the renewal form and check to the DMV. i was going to spend my 21st b-day with my aunt in AZ. having a current license was a pretty big deal. a week before my b-day, the DVM sent my paperwork and check back along with a letter saying "your car registration doesn't expire until oct." this was may.

so anyway... when i first go to the DMV i noticed a very good looking guy across the room. after talking to the soulless woman at the window, i go wait in line to get my picture taken for my new license. low and behold, hot guy is in front of me!!! 6'2" black hair, gigantic arms, tiger army shirt, tattoos, the whole deal. he turns around and started talking to me. all i could think of was how beautiful his eyes were. i could barely move. he was asking why i was there so i told him about the incompetence of the DMV then i said "so what are you in for?" he started talking then just started laughing and said "damn that was a good one!!" we continued to mildly flirt while in line then he got his picture taken and left.

that was it. i never even got his name. he waved at me when i got to my car as he drove out of the parking lot. and out of my life forever...

i STILL think about him

conditional love

everyone always talks about how they want to love and be loved "unconditionally." is that possible? from what i've personally experienced and witnessed in friends' and familys' relationships, i don't think it is.

when we meet someone we automatically try to fit them in the mold we want to put them in. try putting a triangle through a star shaped hole. ain't gonna fit. we have this idea of how people should act, dress, talk, etc. quirky habits start to get on our nerves. but really, that's just who that perosn is. when you accept someone for who they are and love them anyway, things are so much easier.

i know women who have expectations of their man. flowers on a regular basis, fancy dinners, random calls throughout the day "just because," etc. if these men don't provide, they're most certainly sleeping on the couch. isn't it more exciting when your man comes home outta the blue with flowers and says "get dresed up doll, i'm taking you somewhere really nice tonight" ?? personally i would joke with him and say "ok, Mr.! what did you do?!" but for the most part i think that kinda stuff means more when it's a surprise.

another condition in an "unconditional" relationship is comittment. it is expected that your partner should and will be faithful to you, as you will and should be to them. if they stray, it's over because there have been expectations put on the other person. affairs are sadly more common than i feel comfortable with. my boss almost had 2 recently. one emotional, one physical. he has a fabulous wife and 4 gorgeous children with this woman. he'd give his life for all 5 of them without question. yet he fell in love with another woman. he would go home from work, kiss his wife, and play with his kids all the while wanting the other woman to be his wife and his children her's. it was a bad 4 months. but he woke up and realized that he's got it good at home. grass ain't always greener.

we all have a past. i have one. you have one. your significant other has one. the guy walking down the street definitely has one. have you ever had someone give you shit for your past? like it's something you can change! whatever you or the next guy did before we got together is your own thing, as is mine. i actually had a guy give me shit for about 20 minutes of what i had done and who i had been with in my past. it infuriated me. made me sick that he had the audacity to talk to me like that. i basically told him to fuck off and never talk to me like that again.

love and relationships are difficult. all this uncertainty in the beginning and insecurity that may come later on. trust and communication are just 2 of the many things we all need to work on being better at. have some standards but not expectaions that are higher than mnt everest! can't we all just get along...

learn somethin' new every day

i had an interesting conversation with a close friend of mine last night. we went out for dinner and a couple drinks and old shit kinda got brought up. he told me he is over above said old shit and won't get into it but has some insight for me. *rubs hands together* this outta be good.he told me that i'm too much of a wild child and not as "emotionally mature" as a act like or think i am. he said i need to find someone who can give me an equal happy medium amount of freedom and control. i need someone that will tell me NO once in a while, but will also allow me to do my own thing. my inner rebel child does whatever she wants when there are no reins on me. i get bored easily. i need to learn to put all of my focus into the relationship. that much i know. i need the guy i'm with to give me attention. not to say that his world should revolve around me or anything (although it would be kinda nice...) but i do need to know that i'm an important facet of his life. if i had been told NO on several occasions, certain events would've never happened. this was a learning experience for me. i saw the repercussions of my actions. i know in the future i will not be reckless with other peoples' hearts. or my own. i fully regret everything that happened with us but i can't take back what i did (it would be great to have a backspace button for real life). i am thankful that he and i are friends now. he tells me how it is and isn't afraid of hurting my feelings for the sake of being honest. if i wanna know if my ass looks fat in these pants, i'll ask him. my rebel wild child needs to be put in time out every once in a while...

reconnection

back in july '08, maybe early august, i met a guy that i quickly fell hard for. we spent days on the lake and any spare time together. i hung out with his friends and they were always happy to see me whenever we went out. as crazy as it was, we were even gonna elope in vegas! he did work on my aunt's new home at a fabulously discounted $$. things were going very well. then the ol' ex started coming around. she threw a wrench in my gears. he told me that he'd be lying if he said he didn't still have feelings for her. said he wanted to give it another go. they had several years of history. so i let him go (reminds me of that old saying about letting something go and if it comes back to you...). a few days and a bottle of whiskey later, i moved on. of course i thougt about him off and on throughout the last 10 months. i was driving home on tuesday and was thinking about him and one of his BFF's. she and i got along very well. when i got home i had a myspace friend request from her saying that chris was "dying to reconnect" with me but was scared that i hated him. i try not to waste my positive energy hating people. i had his number still so i text him. all it said was "guess who... i don't hate you." he quickly responded and then called me and we were talking for 2 HOURS!!! he said that after he called things off with us he felt like he was making a mistake but had to see what would happen with the ex. just as i predicted, she went right back to being the girl he broke up with in the first place. so he and i are going out to dinner tonight. i'm strangely excited about this.