mixed emotions

so, it ended roughly a month ago. it was ugly. then we added a going away party and alcohol and it got even uglier. i couldn't wait to get away from you. smiled through the yelling and shit talking because i knew i'd never have to see you again. smiled because i knew i would be in a better place. emotionally, financially, mentally, what have you.

sooooo many awesome things about you. so many. i saw a side of you very few are priveledged to glance at. but i also saw its counterpart. it was scary. and mean and ugly and cancelled out every sweet, romantic, considerate,sexy, generous, genuine, expensive thing you have ever done.

fast forward to my moving day. you had come to terms with our break up and me leaving. sent me some really sweet texts. said you wanted the best for me blah blah blah. i told you the same.

fast forward 2 weeks. you tell me about the girl you met. i said she sounds great and i hope it works out for you.

rewind to 3 days ago. you call to see how things are going and ask about my new job. i ask how things are with you and leyla. you say great, we actually just made it official. official. wow that was fast. i know, i'm just so happy and feel like i'm in a great place. meds are leleveling me out and i have learned so much. she has guy friends, and it doesn't even bother me!

i can't help but feel bitter. and resentful.

so i got to experience the shitty asshole side of you, figure out you need medication to balance out your shit. i would've loved to stick around to see if the medication worked, but i couldn't. time ran out. i have a time frame of shit-i-put-up-with.

so this is where i talk about bitterness. i'm bitter that she is going to get "good matt." i'm bitter that there is a small chance that she gets the matt that loves and accepts her for who she is and what she has done in her life, and i didn't. i know you have learned from it, but you should have known it all along. should have known what to do/not to do with me. i did so much for you and got a lot of bullshit in return. part of me hopes she gets the same crazy asshole i loved. i don't want you back, but a fucked up side of me wishes you were still miserable and unable to breathe without me like you were 4 short weeks ago.

ramble

unmotivated to do much of anything. not showering til 3pm. staring blankly at nothing. forgetful. misplace things. walk under water. heart beats a little slower. good thing breathing is involuntary, i'd probably forget to do that too. can't sleep. back constantly screams at me. don't talk much. delete texts before they fully exist. mumble. sit at the top of the stairs leaned up against the wall. listen to the purr. only comfort sometimes. eyes never fully open. chipped blue glass. reflect. don't believe.