this was written a couple weeks ago in a hazy moment of my life. i just haven't found the time to post it til now...
standing in the kitchen in a blank stare
the sound of the fan drowns out my thoughts
i look around at the dishes in the sink
and think about the ones in the dishwasher
that still need to be put away
i don't want to do it
i don't have the motivation to do dishes
or make the bed or vacuum
silence is all around me
i can feel the loneliness closing in
me
just me
i read some more or make dinner
i'm just going through the motions
feels like i'm trying to run under water
i'm bored i'm restless i'm tired i'm alone
it'll pass like it always does
i keep my fake smiles numbered for just such an occasion
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
just a good ol' cock fest
holy fucking christ. i just had by far one of the most interesting IM conversations of my life. there's a guy i met back in april . seemed like a nice, normal guy that grew up on a farm in a small town in pennsylvania. farm was complete with chickens, pigs, cows and goats. can't be too odd, right? WRONG!!!!!
so as our time of knowing each other progresses he slowly started asking me about my sexual encounters. i thought this was strange but i don't judge so whatev. he later confesses to me that he is bi and gets off on hearing about guys i have fucked. whether it be recent or way back in my past. ok. still weird but we all have some closet stuff that gets us goin'. closet. no pun intended.
he and i are IMing today an outta nowhere he tells me he got into gay porn recently. not too surprising. he's one of the most gorgeous guys i've ever seen and loves the cock. perfect job for a guy like "john" (i will be using the first name of his porn star name only). i've always been fascinated by things that are different from my normalcy so i start asking him all these questions. like 25 or 30 different things over the course of an hour & 1/2. he said he'll be doing pretty hardcore shit. none of the sissy stuff you see on showtime at midnight. says it pays pretty well. said he prefers men to women but is really picky when it comes to men. said the main reason he moved to AZ was so he could be open about his sexuality (his parents are bible humpers and would probably forget they had a son if they knew. that is terribly sad). offered to let me see a copy of his work when he gets it. then goes so far as to offer me to go down to the studio with him to watch him, as he put it "live in action." i'm beside myself with laughter at this point. THEN he says i can watch him and his boyfriend at his place if i wanted. what do i do? bring popcorn and a jumbo soda, sit back and enjoy the show?? **please no smoking and turn your cell phone off** then he tells me that he told his boyfriend all about me and asked if i wanna meet him. "john" said he's totally cool with meeting me. they have threesomes all the time with men and women. ok... so would i be invited to join in on this cock fest??
then john tells me that i should get into porn because i would make a TON of money looking the way i do. ok, i've always wondered if that is a compliment or not. i've been asked if i'm a stripper in multiple occassions. offended or flattered? i'm on the fence. anyway... i just keep re-reading our IM and laughing my ass off!! it's so surreal. but hey, look on the bright side... if he becomes famous i can always say "yeah i was with john (porn star last name will be withheld) before he was famous." wow. i can't really think of anything else to say!! it was one of the most interesting, random, educational, and mildly arousing conversations i've ever had!!!!
so as our time of knowing each other progresses he slowly started asking me about my sexual encounters. i thought this was strange but i don't judge so whatev. he later confesses to me that he is bi and gets off on hearing about guys i have fucked. whether it be recent or way back in my past. ok. still weird but we all have some closet stuff that gets us goin'. closet. no pun intended.
he and i are IMing today an outta nowhere he tells me he got into gay porn recently. not too surprising. he's one of the most gorgeous guys i've ever seen and loves the cock. perfect job for a guy like "john" (i will be using the first name of his porn star name only). i've always been fascinated by things that are different from my normalcy so i start asking him all these questions. like 25 or 30 different things over the course of an hour & 1/2. he said he'll be doing pretty hardcore shit. none of the sissy stuff you see on showtime at midnight. says it pays pretty well. said he prefers men to women but is really picky when it comes to men. said the main reason he moved to AZ was so he could be open about his sexuality (his parents are bible humpers and would probably forget they had a son if they knew. that is terribly sad). offered to let me see a copy of his work when he gets it. then goes so far as to offer me to go down to the studio with him to watch him, as he put it "live in action." i'm beside myself with laughter at this point. THEN he says i can watch him and his boyfriend at his place if i wanted. what do i do? bring popcorn and a jumbo soda, sit back and enjoy the show?? **please no smoking and turn your cell phone off** then he tells me that he told his boyfriend all about me and asked if i wanna meet him. "john" said he's totally cool with meeting me. they have threesomes all the time with men and women. ok... so would i be invited to join in on this cock fest??
then john tells me that i should get into porn because i would make a TON of money looking the way i do. ok, i've always wondered if that is a compliment or not. i've been asked if i'm a stripper in multiple occassions. offended or flattered? i'm on the fence. anyway... i just keep re-reading our IM and laughing my ass off!! it's so surreal. but hey, look on the bright side... if he becomes famous i can always say "yeah i was with john (porn star last name will be withheld) before he was famous." wow. i can't really think of anything else to say!! it was one of the most interesting, random, educational, and mildly arousing conversations i've ever had!!!!
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
even when she wasn't in the car she was always in the driver's seat
Have you ever showered with someone? yes it was a very dirty shower *raises an eyebrow*
Do you still talk to the person you fell hardest for? i'm trying to avoid him. i wanna do an eternal sunshine of the spotless mind kinda thing
Do you love the last boy you were talking to? not quite love. but i like the hell outta him!
Do you wish you were somewhere else right now? i could think of quite a few places i'd rather be
What were you doing 30 minutes ago? reading Glamour
Where did you last sleep other than your house? colin's
What’s the worst way to say I love you? when you're drunk or when you want something
Where is your mom right now? in her tiny house by the ocean
What are you doing tomorrow? working!!!!
Where is the person who has your heart at the moment? phoenix
What did you do for Valentine's Day? went out for sushi and found out that he was searching for horny housewives lookin for a good time online. fuckin' douche bag
Is there anyone you know that deserves to get punched? see above
Is there somebody in your life that you could not survive without? my mama, my aunt, and some of the best girlfriends a girl could ask for
Were you single on your last birthday? i sure was!!
Who was the last person to cook for you? the guys at jason's deli. i do all the cooking these days
Will you talk to someone on the phone tonight? maybe roxie if she calls me back. i prefer texting
Are you anyone's first love? yes and he was mine too. it was a torrid toxic love affair
When is the next time you will kiss someone? friday :)
Made any new regrets this year? nope. i did pretty good this year. but it's only july...
Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night? yes but went right back to sleep
Think a lot before you fall asleep? yes it's awful!! usually takes me 45-60 min to actually fall asleep
Are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants, or pajama pants? green dress w/ white polka dots
Is there a person of the opposite gender on your mind? oh baby oh baby yes!!!
Who were you last in the car with? roxie
Who was driving the car? she was
Do you miss the way things used to be? sometimes but i like my life now. change is good. things happen for a reason
Is there any meaning behind your profile song? dont have one
What's the one thing that always gets you through the day? lots of things get me through the day
When was the last time you gave your number to someone? 3 weeks ago. i told ryan to give my # to colin so we could set up our blind date
Could you cry right now? i've been fighting the urge all day. ask me again in a couple days...
Are you ticklish? not really
Would you be able to date someone who doesn't make you laugh? no laughing is like foreplay
What's the biggest annoyance in your life right now? money or lack of
How many hours did you sleep last night? like 9 hours! it was amazing
Where did you get your last bruise from? colin's big ass dog
What were you doing at 3am this morning? sleeepin
Are you currently looking forward to anything? a weekend with colin
Who was your last comment from? probably maureen
Would you ever consider piercing your lip? no but i've thought about re-piercing my monroe
Be honest, who texted you last? my dear friend brandi
Do you sleep with the door open or closed? i live in a studio so my bedroom door is my fornt door. you do the math
Did anyone see your last kiss? just hatchet face (colin's dog)
Do you drink tea? green tea and plenty of it
Have you ever kissed someone older than you? lots older
Do you have plans for tomorrow? didn't you already ask me that?? you're not a very good listener
Would you be surprised if your parents had another baby together? hahaha yes!! that would be incredibly weird for many reasons
So, what if you married the last person you texted? i love brandi and all but i don't play for that team
Last person you told a secret to? brandi
Has anyone cried on your shoulder recently? no. i'm usually the one that does all the crying
What are you listening to at the moment? the calming sound of my fan
Where was the last place you fell asleep other than your bed? colin's couch
Do you think anyone has feelings for you? that's an understatement
Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? my mama, my aunty,my girlfriends, and my fur babies
Think back to the last person you kissed, how many times have you laughed with them? lots and many more to come
Is there someone that you believe you will always be attached to? my family
Are relationships ever really worth it? yes. they teach you a lot about yourself
When was the last time you were in a very good mood? today. i'm usually in a good mood every day
Do you like thunderstorms? i love making out during thunderstorms
Do you believe in love? despite things i've seen and gone through, yes.
When was the last time you saw your father? when i was in CA for my b-day back in may
Do you believe in this saying: What goes around comes around? yes. karma is a biatch
When did you last hold hands with someone? 4th of july weekend
Have any memories that you'd like to forget? a couple but for the most part i like all my memories
Is there someone you'd really like to hang out with and just talk about stuff? yes! i wanna get to know more about colin
Do you have any drugs in your room? crack isnt a drug. its a lifestyle. <---crack is whack!
Do you need to say anything to someone? i've said my peace
Remember the first time you kissed the last person you kissed? yes. in the parking lot of good ol' TT. it was tasty and amazing and i wanted more
How are you feeling? fine thanks. a little bored but what else is new...
Do you want someone to call you right now? eh i'm not in the mood for chatting
What do you always take with you? phone, debit card, driver's license, lip gloss, tic tacs
Would you say your an understanding person? i try to be. i can usually see both sides
Would you date someone taller than you? must be 5'11" to ride this ride
If your boyfriend or girlfriend cheated on you, would you take them back? couldn't do it
Your boyfriend/girlfriend isn't around but their phone is, do you look through it? nope
What if they went through yours? i have nothing to hide
Do you miss anyone? i miss lots of people
Where is your phone? laying right next to me
Are you excited for anything happening in the next week? going out with and getting to know colin better.
How are you currently feeling? you're a terrible listener
What will you be doing in the next 2 hours? check my email,read my book, eat some raspberry sherbert mmmm
What do you usually do right when you wake up? brush my teeth, pee, weigh myself
Are you smiling in your MySpace default picture? it's more of a smirk
If you drank fifteen beers, & drunk 8 shots liquoir what would you be doing? In the hospital getting my stomach pumped <----amen sistah i'd be dead
Is it hard for you to be yourself in front of the girl/boy you like? i'm totally at ease and myself with him
Is there ever anything you want to do or say, but don't? yes i try to keep my filter in good working order but sometimes i just can't help it!
Do you think you can last in a relationship for six months? if i met the right guy yes. maybe even longer
Who did you talk to on the phone last? my favorite aunty in the world!
Do you know what you are going to wear tomorrow? my favorite jeans and perhaps a yellow top?
If you could move somewhere else, would you? home. but i'm starting to like AZ more and more
Recently kissed anyone with the name starting with a D? nope
Have you kissed the last person you texted? not like make out kissed or anything but i always kiss brandi when i see her
Do you delete people off of MySpace? yes but it's more often blocking creepy douche bags
TodayWhat happened at 10am? i was doing pilates
What is something you currently want right now? a tasty frozen treat. although i wouldn't pass up some hot steamy sweaty heart pounding sex
Are you excited for next year? very much so
How many pillows do you sleep with? i have 4 total but i only use 2 at a time
What is worse, physical or emotional pain? emotional hurts way worse. but that's what whiskey is for. it's the band-aid of the heart
What color is the shirt you are wearing? green with white polka dots (it's a dress)
Honestly, do you hate the last girl you were talking to in person? no!!!! i love the last girl i was talking to in person. my little foxie roxie
When was the last time you received a hug? sunday when i left colin's. i need more hugs in my life
Has someone put their arm around you in the past 5 days? colin had his arm around me and my head was on his shoulder while we watched fireworls on the 4th
Are you the type of person who has a new boyfriend/girlfriend every week? no. i may like osmeone right at first but don't make them my BF right away.
What song are you listening to? nuthin'
Do you have any earrings on? no i stopped wearing earrings a while ago
Do you dance? like a champ
What time is it? 7:51pm
Are you a daredevil? an emotional daredevil!
Do you like animals? i love animals
Are you easily bothered? if i'm PMSing and it's a full moon then look out!!!!
Would you rather someone lie to you or tell you the truth? not have something to lie to me about <---- i agree!!!! don't do something you'd have to lie about in the 1st place
How old do you look? about my age. maybe a couple years younger
What are your plans for the weekend? hanging out with colin and cause some trouble
Does playing the guitar make a girl/guy more attractive? not necessarily. although i AM a sucker for acoustic guitar
Do you believe that if you want something bad enough you'll get it? for the most part yes
What did you do today? pilates, checked email, read my new book, floated in the pool, texted a few of my friends and colin, talked to my aunty, took a nap
Would you ever get a tattoo? 14 and counting
Do you know anyone who has gotten an abortion? i think only 1 or 2 people
Do you like to spend time with people? depends on who it is. i'm alone lal the time so i enjoy company
Are you a forgiving person? i forgive but i never forget
Are you talking to anyone while doing this? just my fur babies
What are you about to do? Finish this then read and eat some raspberry sherbert
If you could be a superhero what would you want to do? See Men naked. It would help weed them out easier <---- hahahahahaha i love it!!! i've always wanted to be able to become invisible or be able to teleport
Last movie you watched? rebel without a cause last night
Where was the last place you went besides where you are? my pool enjoying the sunshine
Do you still talk to the person you fell hardest for? i'm trying to avoid him. i wanna do an eternal sunshine of the spotless mind kinda thing
Do you love the last boy you were talking to? not quite love. but i like the hell outta him!
Do you wish you were somewhere else right now? i could think of quite a few places i'd rather be
What were you doing 30 minutes ago? reading Glamour
Where did you last sleep other than your house? colin's
What’s the worst way to say I love you? when you're drunk or when you want something
Where is your mom right now? in her tiny house by the ocean
What are you doing tomorrow? working!!!!
Where is the person who has your heart at the moment? phoenix
What did you do for Valentine's Day? went out for sushi and found out that he was searching for horny housewives lookin for a good time online. fuckin' douche bag
Is there anyone you know that deserves to get punched? see above
Is there somebody in your life that you could not survive without? my mama, my aunt, and some of the best girlfriends a girl could ask for
Were you single on your last birthday? i sure was!!
Who was the last person to cook for you? the guys at jason's deli. i do all the cooking these days
Will you talk to someone on the phone tonight? maybe roxie if she calls me back. i prefer texting
Are you anyone's first love? yes and he was mine too. it was a torrid toxic love affair
When is the next time you will kiss someone? friday :)
Made any new regrets this year? nope. i did pretty good this year. but it's only july...
Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night? yes but went right back to sleep
Think a lot before you fall asleep? yes it's awful!! usually takes me 45-60 min to actually fall asleep
Are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants, or pajama pants? green dress w/ white polka dots
Is there a person of the opposite gender on your mind? oh baby oh baby yes!!!
Who were you last in the car with? roxie
Who was driving the car? she was
Do you miss the way things used to be? sometimes but i like my life now. change is good. things happen for a reason
Is there any meaning behind your profile song? dont have one
What's the one thing that always gets you through the day? lots of things get me through the day
When was the last time you gave your number to someone? 3 weeks ago. i told ryan to give my # to colin so we could set up our blind date
Could you cry right now? i've been fighting the urge all day. ask me again in a couple days...
Are you ticklish? not really
Would you be able to date someone who doesn't make you laugh? no laughing is like foreplay
What's the biggest annoyance in your life right now? money or lack of
How many hours did you sleep last night? like 9 hours! it was amazing
Where did you get your last bruise from? colin's big ass dog
What were you doing at 3am this morning? sleeepin
Are you currently looking forward to anything? a weekend with colin
Who was your last comment from? probably maureen
Would you ever consider piercing your lip? no but i've thought about re-piercing my monroe
Be honest, who texted you last? my dear friend brandi
Do you sleep with the door open or closed? i live in a studio so my bedroom door is my fornt door. you do the math
Did anyone see your last kiss? just hatchet face (colin's dog)
Do you drink tea? green tea and plenty of it
Have you ever kissed someone older than you? lots older
Do you have plans for tomorrow? didn't you already ask me that?? you're not a very good listener
Would you be surprised if your parents had another baby together? hahaha yes!! that would be incredibly weird for many reasons
So, what if you married the last person you texted? i love brandi and all but i don't play for that team
Last person you told a secret to? brandi
Has anyone cried on your shoulder recently? no. i'm usually the one that does all the crying
What are you listening to at the moment? the calming sound of my fan
Where was the last place you fell asleep other than your bed? colin's couch
Do you think anyone has feelings for you? that's an understatement
Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? my mama, my aunty,my girlfriends, and my fur babies
Think back to the last person you kissed, how many times have you laughed with them? lots and many more to come
Is there someone that you believe you will always be attached to? my family
Are relationships ever really worth it? yes. they teach you a lot about yourself
When was the last time you were in a very good mood? today. i'm usually in a good mood every day
Do you like thunderstorms? i love making out during thunderstorms
Do you believe in love? despite things i've seen and gone through, yes.
When was the last time you saw your father? when i was in CA for my b-day back in may
Do you believe in this saying: What goes around comes around? yes. karma is a biatch
When did you last hold hands with someone? 4th of july weekend
Have any memories that you'd like to forget? a couple but for the most part i like all my memories
Is there someone you'd really like to hang out with and just talk about stuff? yes! i wanna get to know more about colin
Do you have any drugs in your room? crack isnt a drug. its a lifestyle. <---crack is whack!
Do you need to say anything to someone? i've said my peace
Remember the first time you kissed the last person you kissed? yes. in the parking lot of good ol' TT. it was tasty and amazing and i wanted more
How are you feeling? fine thanks. a little bored but what else is new...
Do you want someone to call you right now? eh i'm not in the mood for chatting
What do you always take with you? phone, debit card, driver's license, lip gloss, tic tacs
Would you say your an understanding person? i try to be. i can usually see both sides
Would you date someone taller than you? must be 5'11" to ride this ride
If your boyfriend or girlfriend cheated on you, would you take them back? couldn't do it
Your boyfriend/girlfriend isn't around but their phone is, do you look through it? nope
What if they went through yours? i have nothing to hide
Do you miss anyone? i miss lots of people
Where is your phone? laying right next to me
Are you excited for anything happening in the next week? going out with and getting to know colin better.
How are you currently feeling? you're a terrible listener
What will you be doing in the next 2 hours? check my email,read my book, eat some raspberry sherbert mmmm
What do you usually do right when you wake up? brush my teeth, pee, weigh myself
Are you smiling in your MySpace default picture? it's more of a smirk
If you drank fifteen beers, & drunk 8 shots liquoir what would you be doing? In the hospital getting my stomach pumped <----amen sistah i'd be dead
Is it hard for you to be yourself in front of the girl/boy you like? i'm totally at ease and myself with him
Is there ever anything you want to do or say, but don't? yes i try to keep my filter in good working order but sometimes i just can't help it!
Do you think you can last in a relationship for six months? if i met the right guy yes. maybe even longer
Who did you talk to on the phone last? my favorite aunty in the world!
Do you know what you are going to wear tomorrow? my favorite jeans and perhaps a yellow top?
If you could move somewhere else, would you? home. but i'm starting to like AZ more and more
Recently kissed anyone with the name starting with a D? nope
Have you kissed the last person you texted? not like make out kissed or anything but i always kiss brandi when i see her
Do you delete people off of MySpace? yes but it's more often blocking creepy douche bags
TodayWhat happened at 10am? i was doing pilates
What is something you currently want right now? a tasty frozen treat. although i wouldn't pass up some hot steamy sweaty heart pounding sex
Are you excited for next year? very much so
How many pillows do you sleep with? i have 4 total but i only use 2 at a time
What is worse, physical or emotional pain? emotional hurts way worse. but that's what whiskey is for. it's the band-aid of the heart
What color is the shirt you are wearing? green with white polka dots (it's a dress)
Honestly, do you hate the last girl you were talking to in person? no!!!! i love the last girl i was talking to in person. my little foxie roxie
When was the last time you received a hug? sunday when i left colin's. i need more hugs in my life
Has someone put their arm around you in the past 5 days? colin had his arm around me and my head was on his shoulder while we watched fireworls on the 4th
Are you the type of person who has a new boyfriend/girlfriend every week? no. i may like osmeone right at first but don't make them my BF right away.
What song are you listening to? nuthin'
Do you have any earrings on? no i stopped wearing earrings a while ago
Do you dance? like a champ
What time is it? 7:51pm
Are you a daredevil? an emotional daredevil!
Do you like animals? i love animals
Are you easily bothered? if i'm PMSing and it's a full moon then look out!!!!
Would you rather someone lie to you or tell you the truth? not have something to lie to me about <---- i agree!!!! don't do something you'd have to lie about in the 1st place
How old do you look? about my age. maybe a couple years younger
What are your plans for the weekend? hanging out with colin and cause some trouble
Does playing the guitar make a girl/guy more attractive? not necessarily. although i AM a sucker for acoustic guitar
Do you believe that if you want something bad enough you'll get it? for the most part yes
What did you do today? pilates, checked email, read my new book, floated in the pool, texted a few of my friends and colin, talked to my aunty, took a nap
Would you ever get a tattoo? 14 and counting
Do you know anyone who has gotten an abortion? i think only 1 or 2 people
Do you like to spend time with people? depends on who it is. i'm alone lal the time so i enjoy company
Are you a forgiving person? i forgive but i never forget
Are you talking to anyone while doing this? just my fur babies
What are you about to do? Finish this then read and eat some raspberry sherbert
If you could be a superhero what would you want to do? See Men naked. It would help weed them out easier <---- hahahahahaha i love it!!! i've always wanted to be able to become invisible or be able to teleport
Last movie you watched? rebel without a cause last night
Where was the last place you went besides where you are? my pool enjoying the sunshine
mannequin
you're making a mistake. i hope you're as happy as you're pretending. if she only knew what i know. the texts. the emails. the spontaneous rendevous(s). the letters. things aren't as peachy fucking keen as she thinks they are. i'm not telling you not to do it for my own selfish reasonings. i'm over it. i would never go back. i'm saying it for your and her sake. it's not fair to her. i would wanna know what my perfect fiance was up to if i was her. you said you can't leave her because you have no place to live, because the deposits are non-refundable, because she's going to pay off your credit card debt. bet she'd like to know how she has and is being used. you're a real quality class act. then i hear that you're planning on having kids right away? that's a great idea. way to think THAT one through. you live with her parents, are never home, and can barely afford yourself. i hope you save money for the alimony and child support you'll be paying down the road. i'm sorry for all that i did to you. i regret the pain i caused you. i apologize for tearing you in two directions. i wish you love, luck and peace within yourself.
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