"my heart tumbled down a staircase inside of me"

i'm a self-proclaimed nerd at heart. i recently bought a box of magnetic poetry. i was staring at them last night and had all these words flying around in my head. i had to write them down. more to follow as i come up with them....

"whisper dreams of sun light sea music pleasure love"

"dance with my wild old soul"

"searching for peace somewhere between the fever drinking aching sleep & morning"

"spun sugar sweet kisses that only leave you feeling sick and stung like the sugar left broken bits of glass on your lips"

"embrace the delicious fever. hold onto it. laugh at time. defy it"

"they tell you to sit down. stay a while. listen to what i wrote for you. a promise of deception hidden by (disguised by?) a tremendous shining smile"

"the only gift he ever gave me was his charm"

"i wanna fly outta this place. drink by the water under red skies. move slowly silently through the motions"

"there's never a mutual sacredness. her eyes fill with sadness because that's all that's left. close your eyes. listen. what do you hear?"

"protect the picture you have in your mind. play it over & over & over. remember it. don't let it fall through the cracks"

"she bit her lip and gave him all the power of the gods. the goddess had fallen into a cage. she knew it was gonna be a long night"

"curl away from the boy that is never there, living, loving, dreaming, wild, interacting, sharing, welcoming, introducing. the fall will be soft. you'll wake in the morning knowing nothing is lost. you only thought you were all these things. and i only wanted you to be..."

some thoughts on fate

if you knew how you were
going to die,
would you then be able
to change it?
would you be able to
plan ahead?
if you knew you'd die in a specific
plane ride or
car trip,
could you then just NOT take
that ride flight trip?
can you rebel against
fate?
can you argue with
destiny?
would that be like back-handing
god?

just breathe...

i'm going to CA tomorrow night. i'm flying this time. 1st time i've flown to CA. i usually drive. it's also the 1st time i've flown by myself. just add it to the list of new things i've done on my own. i'm big now. i can handle this.

my brother is in the navy. he is in a section called SWCC (Special Warfare Combatant-Craft Crewman http://www.swcc.navy.mil/swcc/default.aspx ). he is being deployed in like 10 days. i'm freaking out a little more as the days fall off the calendar. his going away party is on sat the 19th. kinda hard to celebrate him leaving. hard to celebrate the fact that my only brother will be living in kenya for who knows how long doing god knows what. (i don't even think god knows. if derrek told him, he'd have to kill him.) what we're celebrating is his strength, courage, perseverance, dedication, etc.

i'm finding it hard to write about D's deployment without crying. i have so many thoughts and feelings about it. i'm thankful that he's not being sent to iraq or afghanistan. i'm scared though. no matter where they send him, it's still nerve-wracking to have your brother deployed during the middle of a war. he's a tough kid. i know he'll be ok. i've prayed to my god. and then some.

please do the same